Someone asked me if I'm a morning person or a night person. I told them I'm more of a never person."
Just realized that my dog has been secretly using my phone to order bones on Amazon. No wonder my bank account is always empty!"
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
Marriage is like a workshop. One person is always banging the tools, while the other is always banging their head."
Just realized I've been pronouncing "hors d'oeuvres" as "whores devores" my entire life. No wonder I never got invited to fancy parties. 臘♀️
Whoever said 'nothing is impossible' obviously never tried to staple water to a tree.
Just had a staring contest with my microwaved dinner. I won, but my food's revenge is gonna be epic..."
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them!
Caption: "Life hack: If you don't want to adult today, just remember that Peter Pan never did and he turned out pretty fly!" 栗♂️