It’s Wednesday, September 18, 7:31 AM PST.
Yesterday was my last therapy session for a while; we went over a draft of a blog post I’ve been working on for a year.
My relationships with other women can be separated into two categories: women who think my adolescence and puberty is as valid as theirs was, and those who don’t.
It’s difficult to know most women are probably in the latter category. Being stuck is horrible and I really want to stop feeling like I have to earn being called a she.
It’s Monday, September 16, 6:41 AM PST.
I’ve learned that the thing that allows PTSD to manifest is dysregulation or ‘hijacking’ of the nervous system.
I have a bag of tricks: Sour candy,and spray bottles of cold water. A deep wave of shame washes over me every time I pack it to go to a party.
On some horrifically deep level, I still think a man touching me without my consent was my fault.
It’s Sunday, September 15 10:40 AM PST .
After adding a paisley orb to my daily candy jar, I don’t feel sad anymore.
I forgot what it’s like to feel normal. I wonder what things would’ve been like if I’ve done this a long time ago.
I’m sad that friends who have become strangers never got to see the real me. I’m happy that the strangers who have become friends now do.
It’s Saturday, September 14, 7:31 AM PST.
I’ve slowly come to accept that trashy is always going to be one of my adjectives.
I already have the tattoos and the aesthetic, but I think it’s important to realize I am not one of those perfectly poised, elegant women who went through one form of finishing school or the other.
I prefer words like fuck and bullshit to the alternatives and will probably always carry the faintest scent of white trash.
on things that terrify me open.substack.com/pub/theasterisk/p/fear?r=8qt9d&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email
It’s Friday, September 13, 7:31 AM PST.
It can be really hard to walk through that door to what’s next. The comfort of the familiar can be insanely seductive.
You should have so much gratitude for people or places or things that give you a push through.
You might tumble through and land on your knees, but eventually, you’ll stand up even taller than you were before.