My New Year's resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my TV.

I told my boss I needed a raise because I'm so good with math. He asked how I figured

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now

I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of it he declared, 'Hey, we're getting along pretty great lately!

I wasn't going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired