I keep randomly shouting out “Broccoli” and “Cauliflower” – I think I might have Florets.

How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag. 

I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx.

A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it

I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?

To the guy who stole my anti-depressants: I hope you're happy now.

I remember what my grandmother said to me on her deathbed. She said, ‘I wish I’d bought a normal bed