Can't believe I just spent 10 minutes searching for my phone... while talking on it. 臘♂️

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.

Just learned that snakes are just tail noodles with faces. 

Remember when we used to have to scrub the bathtub? Now we just fill it with water, add some bubbles, and voilà! Instant lazy river.

Just realized I've been pronouncing 'jalapeño' as 'jalapen-yo' my entire life. No wonder Mexican restaurants always give me strange looks!"

I went to the bank today and asked the teller to check my balance. She pushed me... and I fell over. Turns out, she wasn't talking about my bank account!" 

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I asked my dog if he had any plans for the weekend, and he said he was going to 'paws' and relax! 

When life gives you lemons, throw them back and ask for chocolate!" 

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraID of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.